I’ve always looked at my introversion as something I had to fix. Most of my jobs required me to be an extrovert to sell, charm and conquer. This Covid quarantine has taught me that I was born for this lock-down. Being an introverted artist I naturally stay home, keep my distance from others and wash my hands frequently. The more time I had to think the more I thought about capitalizing on my introversion, perhaps moving to some quaint small town or even farmland would be really satisfying. As I’m nearing 50 I want to carefully edit the quantity and quality of the other humans I see. I want to be Emily-Dicksen-Edward-Hopper-painting-Greto-Cargo-style alone.
While I love nothing more than creating in my studio, I will admit even I need to get out for some company and fresh air. I somehow have this expectation that I’m going to be satisfied or relieved after going to an event or by taking a walk. Somehow I end up feeling worse. How does being with people make me feel more alone?
I recently heard a This American Life podcast titled “How to be Alone.” I was really taken with Part 4 “Applied Bob Studies” which was about Sandy Allen, who moved from Brooklyn to a very rural location by choice. Allen proclaimed happily, “I’ve replaced people with trees.” At the moment I’ve replaced people with potted plants but trees could be in my near future. What if I create “Compound Patricia” in a vintage cottage or farmhouse where I can work, paint and entertain when the mood strikes me? Compound Patricia will be well stocked with hair gel, flavorful lip balms, decorative pillows, fresh flowers, donut shop coffee, bath bombs, sparkling water, and dollar store scented candles. When I crave the urgency of city life I could go to it. Of course the downside to this living concept is dealing with the things I can’t do very well like anything involving hardware and tools or large farm animals. What if a cow roams on to my property? It would be a big learning curve.
Also, these are new times. Younger generations are now beautifully widening the rainbow. Included in this rainbow is the acceptance of asexual people. I would almost consider myself a part of this group but perhaps that lack of desire is just a symptom of grief as I’m dealing with the loss of my father passing a few months ago. I just don’t have this energy or the patience to pursue a man right now. My light is just not on for romance. I’m more turned on by beautiful homes, drives in the country, seeing stars at night and the sight of tall sunflowers that dwarf me.
Like most introverts I rarely get energy from people. Although once in a while I will have a 2 hour conversation with a friend that inspired some great ideas. For the most part I get my energy from nature, art, fashion, music . . . all the non-neople things. If you want to know a person, look at their Instagram account. You wouldn't want to date a person who only shares selfies or the majority of selfies in their stream. Nor would you want to date someone who never posts a selfie. Looking at my own Instagram stream, I realized it consists mostly of art, places I’ve been to, a few craft beers, flowers, and some selfies but hardly any photos of myself with groups of people. Other friends have numerous photos of loved ones and people they meet and they cluster in these big happy groups.
I will confess part of my challenge with relating to other people is that I was not born with the gene that makes you excited about sports. I feel like the majority of people I meet LOVE sports. I’ve never supported a team and I’ve tried. I’m truly happy for everyone else who loves sports so very much. When I’m invited to go to a game I’m more interested in the people watching and the food. I only have these thoughts: “Who has nachos? Is that pilsner or IPA? Does that hot dog have a mild or spicy giardiniera on it?”
Also on the topic of food, going out to a meal alone, especially as a woman is still looked upon as odd. I previously spent 2.5 years in a small conservative town where I was constantly interviewed about my solo status. “Just you? So why are you alone? Just you, that’s so brave! I could never eat by myself.” Why are single alone woman eaters so scary?
Quarantine has made me grateful for my ability to “self entertain”. I was made to be an introvert so I can happily spend hours alone in my studio painting. Some of us were born introverts because we were made to do the work that involves a quiet type of focus. Perhaps back in the early days, introverts were the ones viewed as different but also valued as truth tellers and healers. They were the shamans and the high priestesses. Given the difficulties of this year, I think we need our truth tellers and healers even more.